According to Julie Smith's book I am currently reading, [1], thoughts and feelings are experiences that are washing over us rather than an absolute truth. Here are some common thought biases:
1) Mind reading, e.g. She didn't say hi to me today because she hates me.
2) Overgeneralization, e.g. I failed my driving exam I will never be a good driver.
3) Egocentric thinking, e.g. He is late to a meeting, he does not respect me as I am never late to show respect.
4) Emotional reasoning, e.g. I feel scared of a dog, so the dog must be scary.
5) Musts and should, e.g. I should give my 100% to this project every day. I must stick to my diet.
6) All-or-nothing, e.g. If I cannot look perfect for that party I won't go.
I am definitely guilty of thought biases. The funny twist on it is that the more layers of differences you add between you and another person the less assumptions you can make about what their behavior and what the words they say reflect on their underlying intentions.
For example, when interacting with children it is important to build awareness of how we perceive their behaviors. In a book about highly sensitive children Elaine Aron, [2], give an example of little child throwing keys in that gap between elevator door and floor. Now, it is objectively justifiable to feel irritated about all the troubles in will lead to. However, it is a bias to think a child did it for purpose to cause all those troubles... When reacting to the absurdities caused that child we should remember that no matter the toddler's behavior she/he is not part of an organized crime ring trying to get you...
In romantic or private relationship if what someone says or does make us feel hurt. We can also start by saying something along the line of "maybe you haven't done it for purpose but what you said made me think (this) and now I feel like (this) and it makes me want to (fight/run away from/...) you". That, from my experience leads to much less hurtful conflicts. I am not saying it always goes smooth and I keep myself in check, I don't. But, the habit of looking from a side without judgement on situation and feeling I have been practicing for 10 years or more. My first "aha" moment was when I lived in US. I got some medications for allergy and I was so agitated. My then boyfriend (now husband) was saying something annoying to me when I was doing dishes. And I had that urge to yell and him and through those dishes, break up, run away and what not. But at the same time I got this thought that what he said was actually not THAT annoying. I was looking at him and experiencing both very agitated feelings and those leveled thoughts.
Year or two later in a public library where I was studying to my exams instead of sitting at home or going much further to universities library I say a book about the marshmallow test by Walter Mischel. This book started my journey of learning about my emotions and tools to control my reactions to them. There they were describing it as hot and cold paths. I was chewing through the material for months, reflecting and discussing it with at that time my husband. It was in 2016, and since then I also went through most of Brene Brown's work who teaches about vulnerability. In my case it was not an easy or fast transition into dealing with my emotions (it is still very much work in progress) but just a month or two ago I had that reflection that I went a long way. I looked back and could really tell that mentally I am much stronger today than I used to be.
Just when I was writing this post I had to take a difficult talk with my parent and as much as I tried to not get side tracked my wires got overloaded and I flipped a bucket. Now, I will not be going into details but just the fact how quickly I was able to analyze it and see where I did wrong is great. In that particular situation I should have realized that once I had to suppress feelings and avoid saying things best strategy was to start retreating to solitary place for time out. What I have learned from this mistake is to clearly see limits of my self control. This time I pushed myself to those limits and my self-control bubble busted. But, for next time I will try to "tap out" to not get "knocked out" by the punches that will keep coming at me. One can see it as a defeat but for me it is more of self preservation based on knowing ones boundaries and limits. I already use a similar tactic when my kids fry my wires in my brain with their insubordination and my husband steps in and I take a break to not flip a bucket at my kids. (What to do as a single parent? First congratulate yourself on doing a job that is hard enough for two... and in action try to only focus on taking care that your child/other child/some property is safe an contained and take a break in any possible way before your burning with rage brain jumps into "education"... your child will be just fine with a bit of alone time.)
It is no different in a work place or any other relationship. Looking on difficult situation from zoom out perspective helps to avoid many of emotional pit-falls. The practice is not easy, progress can be slow but for me it is a worth the effort endeavor.
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there is always a next emotional goal to reach to increase once resilience to
unavoidable obstacles and challenges of everyday life |
This post is based/inspired mainly but not exclusively by the following books:
[1] "Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before?" by Smith Julie
[2] "The Highly Sensitive Child: Helping Our Children Thrive When the World Overwhelms Them" by Elaine Aron
[3] "The Marshmallow Test: Mastering self-control" by Walter Mischel
P.S. just in case someone will actually read this post I would like to make some things clear: non of the things I write should be ever treated as professional advice. those are just my opinions as a fellow parent not a family psychologist. also, what works for me might not work for you. every child is different and every parent is an expert on their child only. however, some strategies are shown to be universally helpful the degree to which they help in individual cases might vary.
