no straight hair after creatine straightening of hair

 I was born with straight dark blond or light brown hair and I had no reason to think I die any other way... right? Wrong obviously I was hoping I live long enough to be gray hair and then I color them wild pink. BUT I have not imagined structure of my hair change from straight to wavy after birthing two kids? Wasn't structure of hair depended on the shape of the hole through which hair grows through?! Why would it change shape? I should one day dig into it... but at the moment I can handle a bliss of being baffled by how our body works...

Anyway, ...

As I was a straight hair girl and waves would never really stick for longer than an hour then my experience with taking care of waves is zero... absolute non. There is psychological aspect that I somehow still deny that it really happened although it is now few good years! I was pushed to accept new problems this winter when my hair became unbearably puffy. On a scale of puffiness their were surely nothing extreme but for me it was a blowing mind irritation. Because what I am supposed to do?! I have no resilience to issues like that. So...

Here I am annihilating the issue. My first thought was to do hair-Botox but once I got to hair-saloon I hinted that in principle I am simply dreaming about getting my hair back! And that is how creatine treatment became a reality. Now, I do have to say I made a decision in a heat of the moment when I was at the right place at the right time. I lie to believe that if they said that the best solution is to take crack-cocaine-mixed-with-heroine-topped-with_pigs_urine to get my hair straight I would be the true responsible me and proudly say: "no thank you, as tempting as it is I do not do drugs. And if it has to came to that then you know I can embrace my waves as they naturally came to me...". But, I am not sure... I did say yes to creatine treatment and left the sneaky hairdresser 300 EUR?! 150 for the treatment and 150 for shampoo, conditioner and mask and some other shampoo. And I did not plan for a splurge like that... Those are also most expensive hair products I have ever bought. The question is was it worth it??

My hairdresser said that I can wash it off after 24h but better closer to 48h... on internet, however, they recommend minimum 72h? I took no risk... but waited no minute longer...

... now, after 72h of walking around with smelly, sickish hair that was absolutely smooth and straight .I washed them with conditioner (big amounts... because it was not foaming go figure) then shampoo (once I wanted to wash again and I realized it was conditioner all along... you wonder how come I have not reacted immediately, well it was because I read on some blog post that shampoo for after creatine treatment do not foam!! well it is not true , my foams all right) and then again conditioner. I have dried my hair as recommended immediately after washing as it was supposed to preserve the straightening. What are my thoughts so far?

Well, my hair feel silky, no doubt about that. They lovely, thank you very much. My hair is also not puffy.

BUT less wavy is not the same as not wavy... They are still wavy in the back, which I naively thought will be taken care of by the straightening treatment (was it that wrong of me to think so?). So I would say the straightening part of the purpose of this treatment has not worked for me! Another, not that satisfying aspect of the whole thing is that in principle my hair simply looks normal to me. They not better than what I expect from my hair.

not that straight... just saying

However, I am able to remember that the main reason I was not happy about my hair was that they were way more problematic than I was used to. Lets say like that. If how they look and behave now will actually last. I can convince myself it was worth it. They look healthier and so I look younger. Any body after 30 would appreciate it. Oh vanity... 

I am poorer by 300 EUR, I still have waves that I have hard time appreciating...

... but for my sanity reasons I will do what any psychological healthy person should do...

I will claim it was worth it... because of well known "cashmere socks effect". It is the way to be happy, or so I have read.

UPDATE after second wash: hair is still less puffy and more silky

thought biases

According to Julie Smith's book I am currently reading, [1], thoughts and feelings are experiences that are washing over us rather than an absolute truth. Here are some common thought biases:

1) Mind reading, e.g. She didn't say hi to me today because she hates me.

2) Overgeneralization, e.g. I failed my driving exam I will never be a good driver.

3) Egocentric thinking, e.g. He is late to a meeting, he does not respect me as I am never late to show respect.

4) Emotional reasoning, e.g. I feel scared of a dog, so the dog must be scary.

5) Musts and should, e.g. I should give my 100% to this project every day. I must stick to my diet.

6) All-or-nothing, e.g. If I cannot look perfect for that party I won't go.

I am definitely guilty of thought biases. The funny twist on it is that the more layers of differences you add between you and another person the less assumptions you can make about what their behavior and what the words they say reflect on their underlying intentions.

For example, when interacting with children it is important to build awareness of how we perceive their behaviors. In a book about highly sensitive children Elaine Aron, [2], give an example of little child throwing keys in that gap between elevator door and floor. Now, it is objectively justifiable to feel irritated about all the troubles in will lead to. However, it is a bias to think a child did it for purpose to cause all those troubles... When reacting to the absurdities caused that child we should remember that no matter the toddler's behavior she/he is not part of an organized crime ring trying to get you...

In romantic or private relationship if what someone says or does make us feel hurt. We can also start by saying something along the line of "maybe you haven't done it for purpose but what you said made me think (this) and now I feel like (this) and it makes me want to (fight/run away from/...) you". That, from my experience leads to much less hurtful conflicts. I am not saying it always goes smooth and I keep myself in check, I don't. But, the habit of looking from a side without judgement on situation and feeling I have been practicing for 10 years or more. My first "aha" moment was when I lived in US. I got some medications for allergy and I was so agitated. My then boyfriend (now husband) was saying something annoying to me when I was doing dishes. And I had that urge to yell and him and through those dishes, break up, run away and what not. But at the same time I got this thought that what he said was actually not THAT annoying. I was looking at him and experiencing both very agitated feelings and those leveled thoughts.

Year or two later in a public library where I was studying to my exams instead of sitting at home or going much further to universities library I say a book about the marshmallow test by Walter Mischel. This book started my journey of learning about my emotions and tools to control my reactions to them. There they were describing it as hot and cold paths. I was chewing through the material for months, reflecting and discussing it with at that time my husband. It was in 2016, and since then I also went through most of Brene Brown's work who teaches about vulnerability. In my case it was not an easy or fast transition into dealing with my emotions (it is still very much work in progress) but just a month or two ago I had that reflection that I went a long way. I looked back and could really tell that mentally I am much stronger today than I used to be.

Just when I was writing this post I had to take a difficult talk with my parent and as much as I tried to not get side tracked my wires got overloaded and I flipped a bucket. Now, I will not be going into details but just the fact how quickly I was able to analyze it and see where I did wrong is great. In that particular situation I should have realized that once I had to suppress feelings and avoid saying things best strategy was to start retreating to solitary place for time out. What I have learned from this mistake is to clearly see limits of my self control. This time I pushed myself to those limits and my self-control bubble busted. But, for next time I will try to "tap out" to not get "knocked out" by the punches that will keep coming at me. One can see it as a defeat but for me it is more of self preservation based on knowing ones boundaries and limits. I already use a similar tactic when my kids fry my wires in my brain with their insubordination and my husband steps in and I take a break to not flip a bucket at my kids. (What to do as a single parent? First congratulate yourself on doing a job that is hard enough for two... and in action try to only focus on taking care that your child/other child/some property is safe an contained and take a break in any possible way before your burning with rage brain jumps into "education"... your child will be just fine with a bit of alone time.)

It is no different in a work place or any other relationship. Looking on difficult situation from zoom out perspective helps to avoid many of emotional pit-falls. The practice is not easy, progress can be slow but for me it is a worth the effort endeavor.

there is always a next emotional goal to reach to increase once resilience to
unavoidable obstacles and challenges of everyday life

This post is based/inspired mainly but not exclusively by the following books: 

[1] "Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before?" by Smith Julie

[2] "The Highly Sensitive Child: Helping Our Children Thrive When the World Overwhelms Them" by Elaine Aron

[3] "The Marshmallow Test: Mastering self-control" by Walter Mischel

P.S. just in case someone will actually read this post I would like to make some things clear: non of the things I write should be ever treated as professional advice. those are just my opinions as a fellow parent not a family psychologist. also, what works for me might not work for you. every child is different and every parent is an expert on their child only. however, some strategies are shown to be universally helpful the degree to which they help in individual cases might vary.

Drowning Marzanna on Spring Equinox

There are many pagan traditions in Poland that are still celebrated.

One of them is drowning or first setting on fire and then throwing into water effigy of Slavic goddess Morana (Marzanna). The ritual takes place on the 21st of March which is a day of spring equinox.

Marzanna is a goddess of death, rebirth of nature, and dreams. And the ritual is to bring plentiful of harvest in the coming seasons. We no farmers but we did it symbolically anyway.

Drowning Marzanna is no easy task... but we eventually succeeded.

Yes, yes we did pollute this pond!
But we are also the ones to clean it in the upcoming cleaning actions.
It is a plan of our forest community.
We cannot clean the Earth but we can take care of the forest we live in. 

On a way back we sang on repeat the song "Marzanno". Kids loved it because of the catchy chorus that can be translated to: "Marzanno, Marzanno, you winter maiden, today we will drown you because we don't want winter." 

1. Wiosna już nadchodzi,

     zima odejść nie chce,

      nocą jeszcze mrozi,

      śniegiem prószy jeszcze.

Marzanno, Marzanno,

ty zimowa panno,

dziś cię utopimy,

bo nie chcemy zimy.

2. Odpłyń wraz z lodami,

     daleko do morza,

      niechaj wreszcie przyjdzie

     do nas wiosna hoża.

I couldn't help thinking that it is a song promoting violence towards females. I might be exaggerating. It surely is just an innocent song for kids about drowning an effigy, right... right? One last thought. My son who is disturbingly impressed with bad-guys and has to be constantly checked for as he has bursts of aggression (nothing unusual in terrible twos and yet again...) was very impressed with this tradition. It all does make me wonder.

running

Running was always good for my rattled, spinning, exhausted with feelings mind. 

Walking is a bit too slow. Walking is good if I really need to do thinking... Thinking is sometime to much, too demanding, too scary, too serious,... unless I am trying solving some complex problem not emotional or personal. Then walking is a thing.

Running is like airing out home. It doesn't clean it but it does bring fresh energy. 

I am not a year round runner. I cannot do it when the weather is bad. Now, I can handle rain and wind. But once temperature is around 0 Celsius and days are short. There seem to be no force to take me out running on a weekly basis. I would need a motivated running buddy to do it but I don't have one. However, running in the nature seem to be so tempting, especially when that nature stares at me day and night through the window. I cannot resist. I feel like it guild trips me and at some point I give in, bundle up and go for that run. What a wonderful think to do of that nature to get me out and heal my mind and body. Yes, yes it is just airing out but with fresh energy my mind seem to be more willing to order it around according to my values and dreams... My body seem to gain a spark of power to carry me further...

Running around forests, fields, and small ponds.

I am not gonna do it when it rains cat and dogs and any other animal from the village but the pull out is real and I am grateful for it.

from winter to summer

I was waking back and forth in a back garden at my parents place and chatting away with my husband about everything and nothing in particular. I was warmed by the sun. It felt like summer. My skin was prickly from heat and then it hit me. Here I am in my blue jeans and white v-neck t-shirt enjoying view on the evergreen forest but only a week ago I have spend both day of weekend in thick jacket walking around in quite deep snow, building snowmen with kids and enjoying trees decorated with white-chains. Those were the most beautiful days of this winter.

my Forest in Winter

And today for few hours I felt like summer. 

Those are the wild ways of spring... I need a painkiller for a headache caused by such a pressure and temperature change. But I am not complaining how could I after eating lunch cooked in the fire we made in the garden... summer vibe so naturally connects with a good mood :)

Home Office

 Working from home is by now an old topic. Probably all good jokes already happen and amount of meme created about maybe cannot compete with cat related stuff but made it own special dent in the virtual space. Now... for a lot of people home office ended long ago. For some it is still an option they cherish. More specifically, as I relate mostly to people with little kids. Even more specifically, with families with two kids that are separated from their family geographically and cannot count on grandparents-institution on weekly basis. Now, for those that still work from home and their kids are healthy and attend their kindergartens or what not home office became a convenient option. BUT, my kids are sick since October but not enough to make them lay in bed peacefully... no they closer to wildly waking walls just as we know kids did during first corona-lockdown... Now, after wonderful 3 years of living in semi-lockdown I still cannot really recommend working in the same house as kids are... maybe your kids... but not mine. 

I am now on a 2 month mission of building up my kids immune system. Working from forest where they can spend a lot of time outside in nature when I work. It was a great plan. I though spring will bring warmer days and it will be great. It has been  weeks now, and the great days... were maybe something I can count on one hand...

But the weather finally got a bit better and we had two non rainy days in a row... I know I am naïve but I still hold on to hope that it was a great idea. If not, it might be my last month of work. This post I finish with making fart noises through a duck-face. Over.

2022

It seems that I highly exaggerated with my previous post claiming I have not been writing in 2 years here. It seems like I only skipped year 2022.

Now, I wish I could say that I have not been writing because I had too much fun. I did not! I had a year of constantly trying to figure out how to make it from day to day. From week to week. I only now start to think in months. It is a good sign that my depression is easing...

One thing I can do for sure is to simply check my Kindle app to see what I read. Despite everything 2022 was a good reading year for me. Although reading was my escapism, my main, more precisely it was typically my only procrastination and numbing mechanism. As I am trying to lead as clean life as possible from other addictive stuff. I am still guilty of spending most of my money on books I simply have no time to read all. But I will get there... improving on that is not at the moment even making a cut of top 10 things to work on... Maybe next year or maybe not... One step at the time.

In 2022 I have read 41 books. I am pleased and proud. Only 5 of them were not a romance! Those 5 books started my 2022 and they were all self-help books. I subconsciously needed a break from this genre as I have started many but finished non more until 2023...

I have read everything by Julia Quinn starting with Bridgerton series. Now I had not seen the series. But I read about the second season in the guardian and watched 5 min compilation of the first season on YouTube probably 3 times. And 2 months (or hopefully more...) later I were done with 28 books by Julia Quinn. Maybe that is not all she wrote but it is damn close. Now I wait for her new release "Queen Charlotte" that she co-written with Shonda Rhimes. To decide which book I liked most I would have to think about it a lot. They do blend a bit. But I had a blast reading them.

Once I was done with Julia Quinn and up to my amazon search there was nothing more of hers I wanted or could read I moved on to books by Emily Henry. I have read 3 titles of hers and liked them a lot. Here it is easy to choose and my favorite was "You and Me on Vacation" because of sassy dialogs. I read two short stories by Jennifer Cruise both fun. And then December 2022 and January 2023 went to books by Ali Hazelwood who writes STEM romance. 

As for my career... I dropped out second time from PhD program as I was recruited by head hunters for a position as a patent engineer.

I think that is shortly it. 2022 was intense and so far its chaotic aura spilled deep into 2023... it is thinning out so there is hope that 2023 will bring a beginning of something new. I feel new energy is coming... and it pulls me into planning future beyond a day, week, and even month...

Only good times in front of us... (this phrase came to me from "Welcome to Temptation" by Jennifer Cruise)