Easter Eggs

I wish I was more excited about various traditions but I am not. When I see my mother attitude it all make sense why. I guess we were not forged in fire of love towards various artistic aspects of festivities. Why? Well I could analyse it all day but I won’t. In the other hand, I occasionally make myself care enough to show those little joys to my kids. Maybe if they get excited about them, they will be the driving force of bringing it to my family in its jolly way. As for now I just do my duties. I feel pretty proud of that no matter how basic it all is!

with moderate "enthusiasm" but I have done it in optimized manner

orange eggs (obviously white would have been better) and my speed-production set up 

My kid was impressed with my results and is now making drawings on those eggs. Full success… except that one egg cracked while boiling but that is ok because it was mine ;)

no artistic achievement but decent result

Sunday UPDATE: they were not eatable as paint went through the shells

no straight hair after creatine straightening of hair

 I was born with straight dark blond or light brown hair and I had no reason to think I die any other way... right? Wrong obviously I was hoping I live long enough to be gray hair and then I color them wild pink. BUT I have not imagined structure of my hair change from straight to wavy after birthing two kids? Wasn't structure of hair depended on the shape of the hole through which hair grows through?! Why would it change shape? I should one day dig into it... but at the moment I can handle a bliss of being baffled by how our body works...

Anyway, ...

As I was a straight hair girl and waves would never really stick for longer than an hour then my experience with taking care of waves is zero... absolute non. There is psychological aspect that I somehow still deny that it really happened although it is now few good years! I was pushed to accept new problems this winter when my hair became unbearably puffy. On a scale of puffiness their were surely nothing extreme but for me it was a blowing mind irritation. Because what I am supposed to do?! I have no resilience to issues like that. So...

Here I am annihilating the issue. My first thought was to do hair-Botox but once I got to hair-saloon I hinted that in principle I am simply dreaming about getting my hair back! And that is how creatine treatment became a reality. Now, I do have to say I made a decision in a heat of the moment when I was at the right place at the right time. I lie to believe that if they said that the best solution is to take crack-cocaine-mixed-with-heroine-topped-with_pigs_urine to get my hair straight I would be the true responsible me and proudly say: "no thank you, as tempting as it is I do not do drugs. And if it has to came to that then you know I can embrace my waves as they naturally came to me...". But, I am not sure... I did say yes to creatine treatment and left the sneaky hairdresser 300 EUR?! 150 for the treatment and 150 for shampoo, conditioner and mask and some other shampoo. And I did not plan for a splurge like that... Those are also most expensive hair products I have ever bought. The question is was it worth it??

My hairdresser said that I can wash it off after 24h but better closer to 48h... on internet, however, they recommend minimum 72h? I took no risk... but waited no minute longer...

... now, after 72h of walking around with smelly, sickish hair that was absolutely smooth and straight .I washed them with conditioner (big amounts... because it was not foaming go figure) then shampoo (once I wanted to wash again and I realized it was conditioner all along... you wonder how come I have not reacted immediately, well it was because I read on some blog post that shampoo for after creatine treatment do not foam!! well it is not true , my foams all right) and then again conditioner. I have dried my hair as recommended immediately after washing as it was supposed to preserve the straightening. What are my thoughts so far?

Well, my hair feel silky, no doubt about that. They lovely, thank you very much. My hair is also not puffy.

BUT less wavy is not the same as not wavy... They are still wavy in the back, which I naively thought will be taken care of by the straightening treatment (was it that wrong of me to think so?). So I would say the straightening part of the purpose of this treatment has not worked for me! Another, not that satisfying aspect of the whole thing is that in principle my hair simply looks normal to me. They not better than what I expect from my hair.

not that straight... just saying

However, I am able to remember that the main reason I was not happy about my hair was that they were way more problematic than I was used to. Lets say like that. If how they look and behave now will actually last. I can convince myself it was worth it. They look healthier and so I look younger. Any body after 30 would appreciate it. Oh vanity... 

I am poorer by 300 EUR, I still have waves that I have hard time appreciating...

... but for my sanity reasons I will do what any psychological healthy person should do...

I will claim it was worth it... because of well known "cashmere socks effect". It is the way to be happy, or so I have read.

UPDATE after second wash: hair is still less puffy and more silky

thought biases

According to Julie Smith's book I am currently reading, [1], thoughts and feelings are experiences that are washing over us rather than an absolute truth. Here are some common thought biases:

1) Mind reading, e.g. She didn't say hi to me today because she hates me.

2) Overgeneralization, e.g. I failed my driving exam I will never be a good driver.

3) Egocentric thinking, e.g. He is late to a meeting, he does not respect me as I am never late to show respect.

4) Emotional reasoning, e.g. I feel scared of a dog, so the dog must be scary.

5) Musts and should, e.g. I should give my 100% to this project every day. I must stick to my diet.

6) All-or-nothing, e.g. If I cannot look perfect for that party I won't go.

I am definitely guilty of thought biases. The funny twist on it is that the more layers of differences you add between you and another person the less assumptions you can make about what their behavior and what the words they say reflect on their underlying intentions.

For example, when interacting with children it is important to build awareness of how we perceive their behaviors. In a book about highly sensitive children Elaine Aron, [2], give an example of little child throwing keys in that gap between elevator door and floor. Now, it is objectively justifiable to feel irritated about all the troubles in will lead to. However, it is a bias to think a child did it for purpose to cause all those troubles... When reacting to the absurdities caused that child we should remember that no matter the toddler's behavior she/he is not part of an organized crime ring trying to get you...

In romantic or private relationship if what someone says or does make us feel hurt. We can also start by saying something along the line of "maybe you haven't done it for purpose but what you said made me think (this) and now I feel like (this) and it makes me want to (fight/run away from/...) you". That, from my experience leads to much less hurtful conflicts. I am not saying it always goes smooth and I keep myself in check, I don't. But, the habit of looking from a side without judgement on situation and feeling I have been practicing for 10 years or more. My first "aha" moment was when I lived in US. I got some medications for allergy and I was so agitated. My then boyfriend (now husband) was saying something annoying to me when I was doing dishes. And I had that urge to yell and him and through those dishes, break up, run away and what not. But at the same time I got this thought that what he said was actually not THAT annoying. I was looking at him and experiencing both very agitated feelings and those leveled thoughts.

Year or two later in a public library where I was studying to my exams instead of sitting at home or going much further to universities library I say a book about the marshmallow test by Walter Mischel. This book started my journey of learning about my emotions and tools to control my reactions to them. There they were describing it as hot and cold paths. I was chewing through the material for months, reflecting and discussing it with at that time my husband. It was in 2016, and since then I also went through most of Brene Brown's work who teaches about vulnerability. In my case it was not an easy or fast transition into dealing with my emotions (it is still very much work in progress) but just a month or two ago I had that reflection that I went a long way. I looked back and could really tell that mentally I am much stronger today than I used to be.

Just when I was writing this post I had to take a difficult talk with my parent and as much as I tried to not get side tracked my wires got overloaded and I flipped a bucket. Now, I will not be going into details but just the fact how quickly I was able to analyze it and see where I did wrong is great. In that particular situation I should have realized that once I had to suppress feelings and avoid saying things best strategy was to start retreating to solitary place for time out. What I have learned from this mistake is to clearly see limits of my self control. This time I pushed myself to those limits and my self-control bubble busted. But, for next time I will try to "tap out" to not get "knocked out" by the punches that will keep coming at me. One can see it as a defeat but for me it is more of self preservation based on knowing ones boundaries and limits. I already use a similar tactic when my kids fry my wires in my brain with their insubordination and my husband steps in and I take a break to not flip a bucket at my kids. (What to do as a single parent? First congratulate yourself on doing a job that is hard enough for two... and in action try to only focus on taking care that your child/other child/some property is safe an contained and take a break in any possible way before your burning with rage brain jumps into "education"... your child will be just fine with a bit of alone time.)

It is no different in a work place or any other relationship. Looking on difficult situation from zoom out perspective helps to avoid many of emotional pit-falls. The practice is not easy, progress can be slow but for me it is a worth the effort endeavor.

there is always a next emotional goal to reach to increase once resilience to
unavoidable obstacles and challenges of everyday life

This post is based/inspired mainly but not exclusively by the following books: 

[1] "Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before?" by Smith Julie

[2] "The Highly Sensitive Child: Helping Our Children Thrive When the World Overwhelms Them" by Elaine Aron

[3] "The Marshmallow Test: Mastering self-control" by Walter Mischel

P.S. just in case someone will actually read this post I would like to make some things clear: non of the things I write should be ever treated as professional advice. those are just my opinions as a fellow parent not a family psychologist. also, what works for me might not work for you. every child is different and every parent is an expert on their child only. however, some strategies are shown to be universally helpful the degree to which they help in individual cases might vary.

Drowning Marzanna on Spring Equinox

There are many pagan traditions in Poland that are still celebrated.

One of them is drowning or first setting on fire and then throwing into water effigy of Slavic goddess Morana (Marzanna). The ritual takes place on the 21st of March which is a day of spring equinox.

Marzanna is a goddess of death, rebirth of nature, and dreams. And the ritual is to bring plentiful of harvest in the coming seasons. We no farmers but we did it symbolically anyway.

Drowning Marzanna is no easy task... but we eventually succeeded.

Yes, yes we did pollute this pond!
But we are also the ones to clean it in the upcoming cleaning actions.
It is a plan of our forest community.
We cannot clean the Earth but we can take care of the forest we live in. 

On a way back we sang on repeat the song "Marzanno". Kids loved it because of the catchy chorus that can be translated to: "Marzanno, Marzanno, you winter maiden, today we will drown you because we don't want winter." 

1. Wiosna już nadchodzi,

     zima odejść nie chce,

      nocą jeszcze mrozi,

      śniegiem prószy jeszcze.

Marzanno, Marzanno,

ty zimowa panno,

dziś cię utopimy,

bo nie chcemy zimy.

2. Odpłyń wraz z lodami,

     daleko do morza,

      niechaj wreszcie przyjdzie

     do nas wiosna hoża.

I couldn't help thinking that it is a song promoting violence towards females. I might be exaggerating. It surely is just an innocent song for kids about drowning an effigy, right... right? One last thought. My son who is disturbingly impressed with bad-guys and has to be constantly checked for as he has bursts of aggression (nothing unusual in terrible twos and yet again...) was very impressed with this tradition. It all does make me wonder.

running

Running was always good for my rattled, spinning, exhausted with feelings mind. 

Walking is a bit too slow. Walking is good if I really need to do thinking... Thinking is sometime to much, too demanding, too scary, too serious,... unless I am trying solving some complex problem not emotional or personal. Then walking is a thing.

Running is like airing out home. It doesn't clean it but it does bring fresh energy. 

I am not a year round runner. I cannot do it when the weather is bad. Now, I can handle rain and wind. But once temperature is around 0 Celsius and days are short. There seem to be no force to take me out running on a weekly basis. I would need a motivated running buddy to do it but I don't have one. However, running in the nature seem to be so tempting, especially when that nature stares at me day and night through the window. I cannot resist. I feel like it guild trips me and at some point I give in, bundle up and go for that run. What a wonderful think to do of that nature to get me out and heal my mind and body. Yes, yes it is just airing out but with fresh energy my mind seem to be more willing to order it around according to my values and dreams... My body seem to gain a spark of power to carry me further...

Running around forests, fields, and small ponds.

I am not gonna do it when it rains cat and dogs and any other animal from the village but the pull out is real and I am grateful for it.

from winter to summer

I was waking back and forth in a back garden at my parents place and chatting away with my husband about everything and nothing in particular. I was warmed by the sun. It felt like summer. My skin was prickly from heat and then it hit me. Here I am in my blue jeans and white v-neck t-shirt enjoying view on the evergreen forest but only a week ago I have spend both day of weekend in thick jacket walking around in quite deep snow, building snowmen with kids and enjoying trees decorated with white-chains. Those were the most beautiful days of this winter.

my Forest in Winter

And today for few hours I felt like summer. 

Those are the wild ways of spring... I need a painkiller for a headache caused by such a pressure and temperature change. But I am not complaining how could I after eating lunch cooked in the fire we made in the garden... summer vibe so naturally connects with a good mood :)

Home Office

 Working from home is by now an old topic. Probably all good jokes already happen and amount of meme created about maybe cannot compete with cat related stuff but made it own special dent in the virtual space. Now... for a lot of people home office ended long ago. For some it is still an option they cherish. More specifically, as I relate mostly to people with little kids. Even more specifically, with families with two kids that are separated from their family geographically and cannot count on grandparents-institution on weekly basis. Now, for those that still work from home and their kids are healthy and attend their kindergartens or what not home office became a convenient option. BUT, my kids are sick since October but not enough to make them lay in bed peacefully... no they closer to wildly waking walls just as we know kids did during first corona-lockdown... Now, after wonderful 3 years of living in semi-lockdown I still cannot really recommend working in the same house as kids are... maybe your kids... but not mine. 

I am now on a 2 month mission of building up my kids immune system. Working from forest where they can spend a lot of time outside in nature when I work. It was a great plan. I though spring will bring warmer days and it will be great. It has been  weeks now, and the great days... were maybe something I can count on one hand...

But the weather finally got a bit better and we had two non rainy days in a row... I know I am naïve but I still hold on to hope that it was a great idea. If not, it might be my last month of work. This post I finish with making fart noises through a duck-face. Over.

2022

It seems that I highly exaggerated with my previous post claiming I have not been writing in 2 years here. It seems like I only skipped year 2022.

Now, I wish I could say that I have not been writing because I had too much fun. I did not! I had a year of constantly trying to figure out how to make it from day to day. From week to week. I only now start to think in months. It is a good sign that my depression is easing...

One thing I can do for sure is to simply check my Kindle app to see what I read. Despite everything 2022 was a good reading year for me. Although reading was my escapism, my main, more precisely it was typically my only procrastination and numbing mechanism. As I am trying to lead as clean life as possible from other addictive stuff. I am still guilty of spending most of my money on books I simply have no time to read all. But I will get there... improving on that is not at the moment even making a cut of top 10 things to work on... Maybe next year or maybe not... One step at the time.

In 2022 I have read 41 books. I am pleased and proud. Only 5 of them were not a romance! Those 5 books started my 2022 and they were all self-help books. I subconsciously needed a break from this genre as I have started many but finished non more until 2023...

I have read everything by Julia Quinn starting with Bridgerton series. Now I had not seen the series. But I read about the second season in the guardian and watched 5 min compilation of the first season on YouTube probably 3 times. And 2 months (or hopefully more...) later I were done with 28 books by Julia Quinn. Maybe that is not all she wrote but it is damn close. Now I wait for her new release "Queen Charlotte" that she co-written with Shonda Rhimes. To decide which book I liked most I would have to think about it a lot. They do blend a bit. But I had a blast reading them.

Once I was done with Julia Quinn and up to my amazon search there was nothing more of hers I wanted or could read I moved on to books by Emily Henry. I have read 3 titles of hers and liked them a lot. Here it is easy to choose and my favorite was "You and Me on Vacation" because of sassy dialogs. I read two short stories by Jennifer Cruise both fun. And then December 2022 and January 2023 went to books by Ali Hazelwood who writes STEM romance. 

As for my career... I dropped out second time from PhD program as I was recruited by head hunters for a position as a patent engineer.

I think that is shortly it. 2022 was intense and so far its chaotic aura spilled deep into 2023... it is thinning out so there is hope that 2023 will bring a beginning of something new. I feel new energy is coming... and it pulls me into planning future beyond a day, week, and even month...

Only good times in front of us... (this phrase came to me from "Welcome to Temptation" by Jennifer Cruise)

so much to say after such a long break

 I haven't posted anything in 2 years or what? I have thousands of good excuses because I am that creative and I have plenty of practice in being late, forgetting something, messing something up... generating excuses is how I go by.

Typing this post is made harder by my laptop's keyboard that I need to go on apparently quite hard otherwise it skips a lot of letters I at least in theory pressed... I had at least 5 typos in this complaining sentence which just proves my point... But I am not easily discouraged once I set my mind on something... haha just kidding... but not this time not by a keyboard malfunction...

I have become a mother to one more child in 2020 and that gradually made anything than dealing with most basic aspects of life difficult or simply impossible especially once I went back to work...

Why I am here. Typing... well... I have run away from my reality to my parents house in the middle of the forest but still with wi-fi. I can work from here remotely and when my parents break their necks trying to juggle never ending needs of my kids... I have some time to be more than just a mum and constantly failing at work employee.

Is there any point to this post... no... but here I made it! 

November 2021

November is a month of LaterneLaufe (walk with lantern) here in Germany, typically organized by educational-units (Kindergartens, schools, etc.). My kids are homeschooled so we simply one evening spontaneously decided that we will just go around the neighborhood on our own. It was not a performance of a lifetime as we were singing one song on repeat or to be precise one or two lines from that song... but it did a trick of pleasing my 4 year old completely. Mission good-parenting his time was successfully accomplished without extensive effort... high-fives all around ;)

From work stuff, my new PhD direction was approved. It was a bit of risk and there is still risk involved but I proposed my own topic and methods. It was questioned and discussed but in the end of the meeting I heard from my committee that they are to support me in my plans and hope I succeed. So far so good… 

I have read two very different books but I would recommend both.

First was "Hold on to your kids" by Gabor, which was very helpful to build a mental framework for some aspects of parenting that align with my vision. Specifically, that kids do benefit from attaching to parents and important in their life adults as opposed to relying emotionally on their peers. I have myself been adult attached and even if not all aspects of it went as their should I believe especially in primary school and early teenage years it helped me to be more self assured. 

Second book was surprisingly good and interesting, it was "My body" by Emily Ratajkowski. The surprise was how relatable it was and how little focus was on glamour versus valuable discussion of relationship to ones own body.

September and October 2021

I have restarted my phd which I am still confused about as I have spend at least 2 years to accept the fact that for my mental health it would be best to drop it. But I am finalizing redefining my new focus with a new team of advisors and my excitement slowly but cautiously grows. 

I got new neighbors and started doing more sports that includes running with the new neighbor which got me on my sporty path... It is a beginning of eating cakes and drinking hot beverages while sitting on sofa season so lets see how far my new fitness enthusiasm will get me not to mention how long it will actually last. 

I got a nanny for my kids that is my other neighbors granddaughter. It was going great and we all started to get used to new routine. I was getting better and better in actually letting go of my kids despite of being home and using more and more of the time for actual work. And then she resigned due to overload with her studies... I am in a bit of difficult situation. I was not completely surprised (one needs to expect that something like this can happen, and there were signals coming) but it is still something generating this level of inconvenience in my private an professional life that I had to take two days to process my disappointment. Now my eyes are dry and I am ready to search for new solutions although  to be honest I am still partially in pieces. The whole thing is that I really got to like the idea of working from home while my kids are there and the nanny has a look at them. Such a set up is consistent with my view on parenting and how I see myself as a parent... and now it might be off the table! It was pure sheer of luck to get in contact with this nanny... a substitute is not a realistic option. And to tell the truth, the longer my kids are home and I am so highly involved in their upbringing the more reluctant I am to give them to the educational system...It is a bit annoying as 3 years ago I didn't have the knowledge I have now to have opinions I have about educating kids... Anyway, I do not want to dwell on details but I need to complain that I am in need for some solution to my childcare crisis as my phd clock is ticking and I have to generate some output if I should ever graduate... 

Since I have not been reading much and my efforts were scattered over few books... all I managed to finish during the last two months is one book... I do not want to excuse myself anymore as I can clearly see that both my reading and my promptness in posting has deteriorated. I am obviously not happy about it but as I do not have that much impact on my circumstances (my little boy is teething, learning to walk and talk… or in short he seem to be ok with sleepless nights... my brain not that much!)… I need to grieve and accept this temporary situation when anything I do beyond taking care of kids and home is on borrowed time.

Goodnight…

Book(s)

“The Obstacle is the Way”  by Ryan  Holiday

Quite timely reading for me about learning from troubles that inevitably come our way... I agree with the writer that one should not let oneself get carried away by extreme emotions. However, feelings come all the time no matter if we want them or not. It might also take years of self development to reach a level of calm where extreme emotions are harmless. In meantime... already from day one, the best one can do is to practice mindfulness about feelings and curiously observe and reflect on them when they come. Emotions should be felt fully but often not acted upon at the moment they occur - both aspects are at least for me a fascinating work in progress.

August 2021

I have travelled! My paranoid by pandemic brain was going crazy, but I went with my family for two weekends to Denmark. It was scary as they do not wear masks!? However, we have spend our time differently and it was great! Parties and meetings... but we came back sick. Our quick tests claim is not COVID-19 and I won't argue otherwise I would have to isolate... I feel pretty bad... same as any time I caught something from my child. She is mildly sick for 3 days, I can hardly function for a week or two.

I have some thoughts about kids spending time on Pads, computers, phones, TVs. I know why it is tempting and why it became a norm but I am keep on trying raising my kids as low tech as possible... Is is a good idea? We will see... also I am just a human I might not hold that long anyway... but as so far... I still stand by banging with spoons on pots vs watching tv... I treat it as a nerve training... one my kids reach adulthood nothing will be able to flip my bucket... (or absolutely anything...)

What's more... I went though a PhD roller-coaster. I thought I won't continue after a year and half break... but I will - at a different university with updated supervisor team! The fact that such thing is possible is a mixture of circumstances... But, I am happy about new set-up it lifted a 'cloud of misery' from my work and achievements in my first 2 years of studies. I can now look back and be proud of what I achieved... What I have learned... if you working under bad conditions there is always a way to get out of it without losing everything... Will I finish with a doctorate degree? Let's see... as for now... I am excited...

I have read very little... but the book I did read shook my mind and pushed me forward with my mental healing process... That eats up time and energy... or maybe it is yet another excuse for not keeping my monthly reading goal...

BOOK(S)

'Discovering the Inner Mother: A guide to Healing the Mother Wound and Claiming Your Personal Power' by Bethany Webster

I will say that the Inner Mother and the Mother Wound terminology took long time for me to get used to and not cringe on it... but what do I know about catchy psychological terms... I had hard time treating those terms seriously (it might be just me and my mind... but what can I do...) but to some extend  do believe that exactly that made it possible for me to chew through this heart/mind heavy for me material. I have learned so much about myself... I have journaled a lot... I am grateful that this book came across my life... due to endless hours on amazon, scrolling through all sorts of book titles. My amazon-shopping addiction, procrastination, numbing method, relaxation, toilet time entertainment - thank you.

July 2021

I seem to be just generally late with posting... but I am at least sticking to it. It is my only writing practice, better than nothing I guess...

QUOTE

I have come across this quote and it brought me closer to people around me:

Zadie Smith in 'Intimations': 'But when the bad day in your week finally arrives - and it comes to all - by which I mean, that particular moment when your sufferings, as puny as they may be in the wider scheme of things, direct themselves absolutely and only to you, as if precisely designed to destroy you and only you, at that point it might be worth allowing yourself the admission of the reality of suffering...'

TRAVELING

This month started with an exciting event of travelling out of Bremen. I went with my family to Denmark to visit my husband’s relatives. It was a powerful trip for us. To do different things, be different places, eat different food and engage with different people. My daughter came back exhausted and enriched by connection with her cousins. Because of corona-pandemic we are living so isolated from our roots that we forgot how much more peaceful life is if you embedded in your family’s networks. And I mean it despite all the obvious tensions that are part of its web. We look forward to go again which we plan to do next month.

GENERAL

The trip to Denmark was just the beginning of the recharging life energy summer. Right after coming back my parents visited which started a wonderful time of sleeping more, because they help with child-care. The aspect of sleeping more is not something our kids care about but me and my husband cannot get over the fact that we can slumber in bed till 10 am on some of the days. It might not sound that crazy unless you put it in the perspective of our default 5 am ;)

My reading didn’t pick up that much pace as I hoped but I have reached the goal of finishing three books this month.

BOOKS

'What happened to you?' by Oprah Winfrey and Bruce D. Perry

This book has changed how I think about people. It made me more connected to human beings; Broaden my perspective on mental health and how our childhood influences who we are and what we struggle with. Full of wisdom and scientific facts, but written in a very approachable warm way as a dialog between Winfrey and Perry.

‘How to talk so little kids will listen’ by Joanna Faber and Julie King

I have reached my limits as a mother and I needed tools. THIS BOOK IT GREAT! I probably have to read it again or something similar in a half a year or so when I forget how to talk to my little one but for now I feel more prepared for dealing with challenging issues like convincing my daughter that it is time to go to bed... (it is not easy but I am able to go through it way more gracefully... for now at least... I am sure my 4 year old will surprise me with yet another way of resisting sleeping...Yay)

‘Prepared’ by Diane Tavenner

It made me hungry for more information how to educate future generations. In itself it is mostly a story how Tavenner with many others created revolutionary high schools based on taking a responsibility for the future of every single child entering those schools. I wish I went to her school...

June 2021

I am totally late with this post because... I was hardly dealing with basic stuff for a long time. I give myself a a do-over and hopeful next month I am on time. But I made it to summer and now I have few weeks of way more support. I hope to rebalance my life. 

More is allowed in Bremen as our COVID-19 situation is decent so we have been given: The Freedom to Enjoy Life The Way We Have Learned How. And the uplifting energy is so strong that you can taste it in the air when you open your non-masked mouth. Everyone around simply smiles a bit brighter; Laughs a bit louder; Rides their bikes a bit further... Weather adds more choices and one could just spend days jumping on grass defying limiting forces. The Joy is here and it makes me breathe a bit deeper... The life is still not as it used to be but that is ok as I am simply not ready anyway to move on as I have been living in quite strict isolation with my family, I am not the biggest risk taker when it comes to health. I have never been. I am happy for this breather but I am quite pessimistic (this is how I appear among my community but for me it is nothing more than realism) about upcoming autumn and winter... Dear World and specifically Bremen please proof me wrong... That would be a wonderful surprise...

BOOKS

I have managed to achieve my minimum monthly goal. I am pleased.

'Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead' by Brene Brown

Best book by Brene Brown. I have read everything she has released before this book which obviously adds to my experience. Her books are great companion to a process of reflecting on different aspects of ones own approach to life in general. Such a process takes time... so I would recommend to simply read them all one by one.

'Ego is the Enemy' by Ryan Holiday

Cautionary remarks useful when you want to get thru life with ambitious plans achieve them and not get too lost on the way. 

'Rewire Your Anxious Brain: How to Use the Neuroscience of Fear to End Anxiety, Panic, and Worry' by Catherine M. Pittman and Elizabeth M. Karle

This was first book on anxiety I have read. It was interesting and loaded with information. I have found it useful but I will be searching for more so that this wisdom settles a bit more in.

May 2021

I have hard time remembering details of this month as I have almost not slept any of its nights. Night time potty training of my daughter together with my sons never ending growth sprout is killing me one night at the time. 

But there is a lot to be happy about!

The weather finally got better and there are more sunny than rainy days. Also in the state of Bremen we have incidence value of COVID-19 going down and we can do more stuff. Nothing to crazy but almost anything make the life SO MUCH more complex and exciting. I went to ART gallery and I felt uplifted even more than usually by the wind of freedom of visiting public places. 

Another freedom moment came by buying a new bike trolley that can carry two kids. My mobility skyrocketed. I feel unstoppable although limited by a radius of 5km or so.

My reading was going extremely slowly. And after finishing new novel by Andy Weir in first week of May, I haven't managed to finish anything else. As my mind got more scattered so did my reading. I found myself picking up again and again a new book... not too good in the light of my resolution to focus on finishing stuff I start but I am already on 'DO OVER'. Since I have infinite supply of those I can forgive myself going astray and work towards my goals as nothing ever happened.

BOOK(S)

'Project Hail Mary' by Andy Weir

I liked it. It has lots of satisfying science details that my inner physicist was squeaking of joy. As much as I liked ideas in the book I couldn't help thinking that the book is quite predictable and flat comparing to the action aspect. His novel 'Artemis' was in this aspect better. BUT who cares! It is a nerd treat and that is what really counts with his books.

April 2021

 All right, I am totally late with this post but I also have not slept for half of this month. I feel like I am running on 5% of my capacities and it is horrible. Both of my kids had been sick and/or had problems with sleeping. Some serious problems and some quite exasperating like a call at 3 a.m. 'Mommy I cannot find my teddy! My Teddy!'...

To lighten my life...

I had out of nowhere or at least it feels like that on one horribly rainy April day a brilliant thought of buying a water quality test. I ordered those straps one dip in the water and they indicate concentrations of different stuff in your water by changing their color. Anyhow, my results were not zero for heavy metals?! Those tests are hardly accurate so I had to investigate further... to say it shortly I bought 2 different water filters, got my water tested in professional lab and checked my daughter's blood for heavy metal traces... I guess that is what happens to not intellectually challenged physicist's brain... it invents research projects..!? 

I was not swimming in free time this month but I managed to finish two books...

BOOKS

'Siblings Without Rivalry. How to help your children live together so you can live too.' by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

I benefited from this book both as a mother and a sister. It is full of relatable stories that give a lot of insight how to help siblings to communicate with each other and how to treat them so they both feel appreciated and recognized as individual human being. As a sister it helped me put more words on how me and my brother were raised and it confirmed things I felt but never got a chance to voice. I really liked this book.

'Rising Strong. If we are brave enough, often enough, we will fall. This is a book about getting back up.' by Brene Brown

I immediately started to apply tips from this book to my private life. To lead more peaceful and mentally healthy life I need to exercise Brene's advices. This book is mostly about rising strong from everyday emotional challenges but the theory is universal. Precious book.

March 2021

March was for me too long and awkwardly frustrating, annoying, depressing, disappointing and all of that... I am so happy it is over although how I felt had little to do with the fact it was March ;) So my optimism about April is not that great. But spring is spring. It has the power of driving me crazy with weather oscillations. But on average there is more and more sun and warmth. Thank you.

As everyone, I am fed up with the pandemic. It is not because I miss going to cafes or movie theaters (I probably wouldn't get that much of those anyway since I've just got my second baby), it is not because  miss travelling to far away places and socializing with random people. It is not because I cannot go and see my family as we divided by geo-political borders that apparently can get highly difficult to cross from day to day. NO. That is not quite the reason why I am going mad. My main reason is that I had to become more aware of the world and local politics. That made it clear to my everyday thought process how little investment goes into making life of people from my socio-economical level better. I am really tired of knowing and not having plan how to get to the place where I could afford to live the life I want and not care about illogical and uncaring system. Oh yes, this is where I am. I will eventually forget to be angry at the doings of those in charge of this world but until then I will be boiling inside. But not that much as I am mostly consumed by keeping my kids entertained and fed.

BOOKS

Psychological parenting books are interesting and empowering to me as they are invaluable help in improving communication with my children. However, you must be warn, they can be also highly frustrating! Chewing on all the things my parents could have done better but they didn't is only that much fun. I think it is worth the struggle so that maybe, just maybe my kids will be at least slightly less angry at me than I am at my parents. I've read two positions this month.

'The Whole-Brain Child' by Daniel J. Siegel, Tina Payne Bryson

 This book is a classic, it contains good amount of information and examples.

'The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read: (And Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did)' by Philippa Perry

I wish I have read it. I wish my parents could have read it but it was not available 34 years ago. It is a parenting book that matters. If you cannot afford to read too many parenting books due to time limits (which I guess is true for all parents to some extend) then make sure this one makes the cut.

'Womenomics' by Claire Shipman and Katty Kay

I have enjoyed the first half of the book more than the second. It is written with women's work situation in US. It is full of chatty advices how to create more balanced life. It is mostly relevant for women with family and kids or those planning to have career and children. But any women craving a work-life balance can find here something useful. However, the book is quite outdated (published in 2009) by now and much less relevant for Europeans.

February 2021

I have not finished as many books as I intended and it is hard to blame shortness of the month for it. To be precise I have only finished one book! However, I did studied a lot painting with acrylics and I might at some point review the excessive literature I have invested in to learn using this versatile medium. I have to admit I have not expected how exciting it would be to paint and use it as an expressive channel. Currently my skills are in their infancy so not every fancy idea I am able to turn into a representing well my vision output. But I am having a blast with what I can so far and I look forward to extending my abilities.

BOOK(S)

'I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't): Making the Journey from "What Will People Think?" to "I Am Enough"' by Brene Brown

It is another self-help book by Brene Brown that chews on ones heart and force you to grow this tiny-winy more confident it your own value. I enjoyed it as all other books of Mrs Brown I read so far. She speaks about feelings and life in a very tender and wise manner. This book is most relevant for women as it is based on Mrs Brown research data she gathered about women. The book describes issues with shame and how to build resilience against it. For me it was great read.

January 2021

 I have turned 34. I've got a painting from my husband and I am super excited about it. 

I bought plenty of painting gear and I follow step-by-step tutorials to learn basics of acrylics. They quite smelly but I have some creative outlet as at the moment with an infant and 3,5 year old at home in lockdown I have no brain power to work on my book projects. But I keep on gathering ideas... there might never be a perfect time and I am not waiting for such. I am just waiting for a slightly better times ;) I have not been very persistent with my exercising plans but the moment my older child will sleep consistently well I hope to have enough energy to will myself to train. As I said I just need slightly better times...

I am on a quest of healing my mind. And my to-read list is full of books that I hope will help me heal and grow. It is very challenging process but I rather go through it that regret that I didn't.

BOOKS

'The Gifts of Imperfection' by Brene Brown

I liked it! I learned a lot. I hope to have some time to one day process my notes. It is a book about feelings and what they mean and how to understand them.

 

'Braving the Wilderness' by Brene Brown

This was good but as I am not a citizen of USA some parts of it were not as important to me as maybe they were for those that are. No matter what one always can learn a lot from Brown. She just writes books that makes one feel welcomed and cared for.

'Scattered Minds: The Origins and Healing of ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER' by Gabor Mate

This book is among most important books I read so far in my life. I needed this knowledge and it set me on the quest of digging more into my psyche. It is book filled with wisdom.

Fit_Again WEEK 1 - building new habit

FAAP - Fit Again After Pregnancy

Part 2

So... I have been pregnant and I have gained more than I should have... (loosing-weight-after-pregnancy)

Now my two month break ends at the time of the new year's resolutions... but we all know how they end... I also checked my last years calendar to remind myself how badly I did (at least this year there was a omnipresent excuse COVID-19).

My plan is to exercise everyday when my two kids are sleeping.

So here is my week 1 update:

At midnight on New Years Eve (how desperate! I know..., but I was home and to tell the truth I hardly made it awake until midnight so I could jump into the new year with my husband as we do every year...) my husband has put my indoor sport shoes next to my elliptic (cross trainer). From that I knew it is ON for real...

On the first of January I went on elliptic for approx. 5 seconds I even haven't bothered to put my training shoes on and I had to motivate myself with vegan almond magnum... believe me it was necessary. Despite how it looks I counted it as a success. 

On 2nd and 3rd January I did better I actually did 10 min (I stopped exhausted but proud) while listening to audiobook ('Emma' by Jane Austen). But I devoured half a package of potato chips shamelessly on the 2nd but on the 3rd I felt a bit bad about it (apparently not serious enough to make me stop). I did put on my training shoes but other than that I was sporting my 'tired mom' outfit.

 I also went for a walk all 3 days. That counts.

OK, so far so good... plenty of place for improvement but I started.